you do things - weird, silly, maybe obsessive things - just to feel closer to a person. to feel like your heart is near the other’s heart, maybe you can hear what they’re thinking, feel what they’re feeling. and that, by reaching out, you can almost touch them in an other-worldly manner, undefined in this sickening three dimensional place that our bodies are trapped in. 

It’s almost hard to remember how real your life is at some place, sometimes. Until you’re back walking the streets, bathed in the cold air, smelling the city smells. And now it seems more significant than before, the things that will change and the ones who have left.

Saying goodbye has such a bitter taste. It’s pungent and heavy and bubbles from deep inside, leaving your stomach sour and your throat tight.
I felt so sad for a little while, and I didn’t want to go. It doesn’t get easier each time. But then the feeling fades and you move on.

Have you ever wondered how great your life would be if you weren’t traveling on the same course you are currently? If you paved a new road for yourself, but that would only happen if you were knocked from your first path so forcefully that you lost your way, and had to start upon a new direction.

love is a fog that burns with the first daylight of reality.
- charles bukowski

my thoughts on maleficent

- the actor who played the king was so, so horrible. even from his first scene as an adult, i was hesitant in believing that was actually the main male role. did he try? was he drunk? does he care? all were thoughts that ran through my head as i was watching his scenes.

- what was the king’s whole deal in the end of the film? this bothered me the most. nearing the end, we can see that he is becoming absolutely obsessed with killing maleficent. (the reasoning behind this also is sad and slightly confusing.. is the only reason because she cursed his baby? he did hack her wings off, her most treasured body part, so this act of revenge was not completely unwarranted. and if he really cared so much about his family, why didn’t he bother to go see his wife when she was dying, and choose instead to have a deranged, imaginary conversation with her preserved wings? or was his obsession driven instead from the fact that she recovered from her injury, and then rose to power again? maybe he just hates her?) and then, we have this final “showdown” scene with the iron chain and the dragon. ok, at this point, the king’s daughter is yelling and screaming on the set, and then she runs upstairs and watches the fight. the proper reaction of the king would be, first, oh my god my daughter is awake and alive and well! i’m so happy. and then, seeing maleficent beside her, or perhaps seeing his daughter fight to free her, put two and two together and maybe realize that, although maleficent set this curse, she also broke it. and then… there should be no more rage and anger, and certainly the big fight / dragon scene need not have ensued. so what was that all about? so then we can assume that the king’s obsession is not about his daughter at all anymore, and he simply has become crazed with his desire to kill maleficent (again: sad, seeing as they were childhood sweethearts and he also was to blame for making her evil) 

- also about the king: why did he die in the end? while watching the film i kept reminding myself that this was a children’s movie, and i could probably expect some kind of “happily ever after”, and justice that is served. ok, so when maleficent corners the king on that tower, and finally says “this is over now”, that’s fine. maybe the king can be punished, or even if he isn’t, then whatever. but then he attacks her and then he falls to his death. why did the king need to die? it was not a necessary bloodshed that needed to happen in a children’s movie for justice to be served. furthermore, it doesn’t make things more fair that he died. i think the main issue is that he cut off maleficent’s wings, which started this whole thing. but he never felt remorse for that, because his heart was too quickly filled by rage and hate after she cursed his baby. ok, so now that aurora’s whole problem is solved, let’s go back to the wings. he could apologize, he could open his eyes and see how much he hurt her when he soldered her shoulder blades, how much physical and emotional trauma he caused the woman he once loved. but no. instead, he dies trying to kill her, still believing her to be the villain, and himself to be the victim. and all maleficent can do is stand over the dead body of the man who she obviously still cared for to some extent (she had forgiven him once, and she wasn’t willing to kill him like he was to her). so that doesn’t sit well with me.

- so yeah, the king was a messed up, crazy, person. from the beginning. so why didn’t the movie play him that way? instead he just gets some shots of him brooding, talking to a pair of wings, ignoring his dying wife, ordering his servants to work in the dead of the night after he has a nightmare. maybe like, 10 minutes total. all this could be seen as a normal response to someone cursing your baby, perhaps the obsession that develops afterwards (some kind of post traumatic stress disorder or something) but clearly what he has is more than that, and he has way deeper issues, but he really isn’t played like that.

- i wish there was more significance in the iron hurting her or more consequences to that because all it really did was burn her, but she’s a fairy and can heal immediately, apparently, and in the end she ended up ignoring the burns anyways, so iron had no effect on her.

- i wish the character of the crow/servant had more depth. he really played an observer, and just filled any holes the plot might’ve had. he never really made a real impact on maleficent or aurora, and served only as a face, or perhaps as a character who needed to remain constant from the original film. 

that’s it. thoughts?

Shivering and lonely and sad

This was just a moment in the woods…
(Our moment) 
Shimmering and lovely and sad
Leave the moment, just be glad
For the moment that we had.
Every moment is of moment 
When you’re in the woods…

its kind of funny and twisted that i’m reading elliot roger’s 141 page autobiography, and the entire thing is about him despising and being repulsed by the female race because they have never shown him a hint of interest and think of him as creepy and disgusting, yet the very first time i saw the screenshot of his video on the news, the first thing i said was, wow he’s actually kind of cute, and i was very surprised. and the last line i just read was “life would have been so perfect if girls had been attracted to me”. 

Every time I move forward, pass a checkpoint, I get this horrible nagging feeling that I’ve left something behind. At first it made me panic so much, which probably explains the stress I had when I finished packing. Now it’s more like a bothersome fly buzzing around my head that I just swat away. I’ve thought through all my possessions, all the possible explanations, and I can’t think of anything important I’m not taking with me. But then, I think, this fear might not be about something I’m leaving behind, but rather, something that’s leaving me behind, and with every step towards the airplane and a new country, the further I get, and the more solid this reality becomes, and that’s what is freaking me out so badly.

Goodbye berkeley… Coming and going from country to country used to be so significant to me, like signaling the end of one phase and the start of another. But tonight it’s just.. Not so important. I’m leaving the country, but I’ll be back soon. Am I getting less sensitive, am I becoming jaded? Is it the frequent trips, or growing older, or this specific set of circumstances? Goodbye berkeley, for about a month, no big deal. But still kind of a big deal, in a different way than before.